insecurity.

greetings people who for some reason inexplicably keep reading my ramblings. Iloveyoupleasedontgoaway


sooo yesterday this dude who kinda sorta asked me out in a roundabout way mentioned how confident I seem and I laughed. me? confident? hah! that's funny, good one. no confidence here, just my determination to be myself no matter how much people despise who I am.

I'm pretty sure everyone Is insecure. I can't imagine not being. When guys act like they like me I automatically think they're just having pity on the ugly girl. or I just stand there incredulously wondering why on earth they seem to genuinely like me.  Still not sure why you people stick around. still not sure why my cat hasn't killed me or why people seem to take my advice. NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE READ MY STUFF.  I hate every word I type but I've learned that people tend to like the ones I hate so I post them anyway. I think I'm just being human in this insecurity but my gosh- if that's the case then BEING HUMAN SUCKS! SO BAD! Questioning every word wondering what their hidden motive is, assuming they're lying about liking any part of my existence. it sucks. I want to be a cat so bad. Those puffballs think they are the king of the floating rock! how nice to have a smidgen of that confidence..


yup. two posts in one day because  a friend read my story and liked it and I was freaked out. And my seminary teacher said she liked my laugh and my singing voice in one day and this happened inside my brain.

shes just saying it why would she like your voice you've got an awful laugh and your singing voice doesn't even count as singing don't even kid yourself shes just saying that to make you feel good its a lie don't believe it!"


and I realized how annoying my brain is. the end.

I HAVE DONE IT

YOU'RE CRAZY AND I'M OUTTA MY MINDDDDDDDDD
CUZ ALL OF ME LOVES ALL OF YOUUU LOVE YOUR CURVES AND ALL YOUR EDGES- ALL YOUR PERFECT IMPERFECTIONS~~~~

*happy sigh* John Legend is amazing. Why cant more songs be like this?

*ahem!*


Greetings you 580 beauties who find my ramblings amusing enough to keep reading them. Today I have something interesting to talk about.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows Taylor Swift? Has heard the name? Something about taylor swift has crossed your path at some point or other.  Well I was on facebook yesterday and there was a Tswift hater posting things that ended up on my news feed. Curious I started looking and read through comments for why they hate her so much and get this.(this has happened a lot, if you like someone you're bound to find haters challenging your likes so this time I wanted to find out why)

A)It's because she has dated too many guys. B)It's because her songs are about guys.C) It's because she's country- or was. or sorta is. idek. D) It's because she's white.

...seriously?

A)Ohhhmygosh she hasn't found the guy of her dreams and she's been cheated on a lot and dumped and heartbroken and has broken hearts before and she happens to have a talent that she releases that frustration through ohmygosh that slut! *le gasp* You know. I bet she even bathes..naked. *shocked exclamations of overdramaticalness*

B)She sings about guys? Would you like a link to all the girls singing about dudes? It'd be easier to find ones that don't and that would be Evanescence(actually she does too but mostly her songs are just beautifully dark without much of the male species being involved). But seriously. ACTUALLY NO.

1- contrary to popular belief- she does sing about things besides boys. Never Grow Up, Innocent,  I know there's more but right now I'm listening to Story of Us and I can't think of others.

2- It's not that she sings about dudes. Its that she doesn't sing about them sexually. Seriously. I heard a Kesha song that was basically her saying for him to shut his mouth and unzip his pants. No one bats an eye. This was uncensored on the radio. Nothing. Taylor swift sings about a guy hurting her or a guy who isn't worth her time or a guy she likes- tons of haters everywhere. Not saying Kesha doesn't have haters, but I don't really care about that so bad to Taylor.

C) Ohmygosh she's country I hate her! THEN CHANGE THE CHANNEL. THEN DONT CLICK HER VIDEOS. SO EASY! Seriously. There are very few rap songs I like. Why? My favorite word is not nigga. So do I listen to rap and insult it? Do I click every rappers videos and insult them down in the comments? No because I have a brain!

D) Oh gosh! That taylor is just so, so white!
I'm sorry, when did that become an insult? And for the record- that insult sucks. So much. Yup. She's white. She's been white and I pray that she stays white and doesn't get some shady surgery and go dark. She is white and so are a lot of people on the earth. They're no better and no worse than any other soul on this floating rock. Her being white does not mean she has no talent and it doesn't automatically mean she's amazing.



oh and I'm adding another reason people hate Taylor. her songs are unrealistic and no one can relate to them. Hahaha! I laugh when I hear this one. Seriously? Lets see what unrealistic and unrelatable songs I can think of- Paparazzi. Old but gold but unrealistic. You will love me because I will follow you around in my van. Did anyone troll facebook over that unrealisticness? How bout one everyone says is relatable-

FIRST OF ALL what song is she listening to with a grey goose? Blood stains? I can relate to that- it happens once a month. That's the only relatable part of this.
And no one notices the hypocrisy of her getting rich by saying we'll never get rich? This song screams you are broke and that wont change so just accept it and it makes me sick. I couldn't even listen I just like fastforwarded through the slides to find what I wanted cuz I didn't want to gag. But no. Hardly any Haters with this one.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The world is screwed up on so many levels. So much hypocrisy and I hate hypocrites but I'm one too so I cant say much more than a small blog post.



Oooh! I used an epic quote that I want to be posted for the world to see cuz I was just like holy crap that came out deep!

So one of my friends was considering suicide. Wasn't gonna do it but- I think everyone wants to disappear at one point or another. Just to see how people would react or something. Anyway I said this fabulous gold nugget.

"life sucks but its temporary. The oneway ticket to hell sucks for all eternity. Trust me, it aint worth it."


and then we both looked at each other and were like "dude.. that's really cool how you worded that." and im like "holy snap I know right!"

And yeah. don't do suicide kiddos. or adultos. or cheerios- unless suicide is me eating you in which case DIE FOOL DIE!



hehe. yeah. Maeko out~ <3


okay nothing is on my desktop right now so im going to pictures file and im kinda scared of what could appear ._.

<--I have no idea. feel free to comment

I AM DESIRED BY THE OPPOSITE SEX!!!

HElllloooooo people of the internet! I have been watching Vlogbrother videos for a very long time so if my words start to resemble their speech patterns you can guess why. Also words will be used that I may or may not fully comprehend their definitions.

So my mom and I drove several hours to the top of our state to visit with her sister and my cousins. She had a business seminar party thing to go to and I got to stay with my aunt. She was doing stuff and buying stuff for me for an early present because im always at camp and never see her during my birthday time. We got a massive breakfast at Huddle house then went horseriding at this petting zoo(don't get me started on how the animals were treated but lets just say id love to have a helicopter that could carry cages to the animals' rightful location) I got a necklace with a tiger even though the tiger was not there but instead a lion was asleep cuddling a big blue ball to it's chest in the cutest way ever and a bird that can very loudly imitate a siren in your ears.
Then our journey took us to Chuck E cheese where we played air hockey about 8 times before realizing that my cousin manages to cheat at it and is a scumbag. then we played Guitar hero for an hour until these other teens wanted a turn. I've only played GH a few times in my life and so I'm not very good. My cousin has set records and couldn't stop bragging about it. He would stay on his favorite song(talk dirty to me) until I could beat him and then he'd let me pick a song(yellow by coldplay <3 which I just turned on my youtube)

We were planning on going to this pottery painting place after CEC but after seeing our current obsession my aunt had a brilliant idea. She'd take my cousin to use his money on guitar hero and then drop us off at home to play it while she went furniture shopping.

We learned in this time that gamestop does not have the guitars in store, that's only available online which would not do. Then they recommended us to this hole in the wall gamestore that's only in this town and we went over and that's where it happened.

Hole in the wall or not, the place was cool. Well stocked and with good testing games set up to play :3
The guy behind the counter had blue hair. Like Matthew lush when his hair was blue blue. My aunt went and asked him to turn around so she could see it. He said the people around him call him Sonic the hedgehog for it which is a cool nickname but that's not the shade his hair was at all :P
Then there were a few dudes just enjoying the safety of being around fellow nerds in a world of anti-nerds. I looked around, spotted Supernatural and -squeeeee- Nikita and started scouring the aisles for any anime that wasn't Dragonball(I can watch that online).
One of the dudes was talking about supernatural and I sorta got defensive like no sam and dean are mine you can have season 1 cuz im trying to buy season 2 and I sorta weaseled my way over and snatched It off the shelf so they couldn't buy it before I did. I grabbed nikita too even knowing I wouldn't be able to get it because my aunt wouldn't buy it with such a lewd disk cover -_- shame on you people for making the dvd box much sexier than the show is and ruining a girls chance of buying it.
Soo anway the Sonic guy had to get down in this filefolder and find the actual disks and the fellow nerds all noticed. My aunt hadn't seen any supernatural and when they heard this they all fanboyed trying to make her love it. Telling her about all the things the boys fight and she asked me if mom would hate her for buying me this. I told her kinda so lets keep it a secret present please. And the guys heard present and started asking if its my birthday and joking about being younger than they were and one guy said he'd be twenty in a month and they asked how old I would be and I said 16 in a few months. That's when he perked up. It was hard to ignore how he was staring but I succeeded in inspecting every inch of the aisles instead while we all talked. I mentioned that they had Nikita too and I swear he squealed "they have nikita here!!?!?" and I laughed and said yeah and ran over and he held it like most people would an Olympic trophy(do Olympics get trophies or medals I don't remember) or a nun holds a bible. We started talking about Nikita and Alex and Birkhoff and how evil Amanda is and my aunt said he was falling harder and harder and harder. my little six year old cousin was playing one of the set up games and I went over to help him but he didn't want help he just wanted to mash buttons and a few of the other guys were playing with him when it happened.
The nikita fanboy said this.
him "so are you single?"
me "sort of." (I like someone but we're not together for various reasons)
him "sort of? I need a definite yes or no."
me "no."
him "wanna go out?"
me "no."
him "why not?"
me "because I live five hours away" (this tidbit saved me from informing him that in exactly one month his interest in me would be considered pedophilic)
him "where do you live?"
me "[insert name of city here]"
him "seriously? I used to live there."
me *skeptical* "uh huh, sure."
him "yeah seriously! I lived in [insert town miles away from my house]
me "so what are you doing here?"
him "I'm training with the army up here."
me "Well one more reason why we're not gonna work out."
him "what?"
me "I don't date soldiers."
him "why's that?"
me "everyone will die but the chances of me ending up losing my guy is upped a lot by going into war and I'm not putting myself through that."
him. "okay,good point."
after that I was really grateful that he didn't try to changemy mind or convince me that long distance dating is an option, he just dropped it and accepted that we will just fangirl/boy together in this small store. And that's what we did. We talked bands and movies and games and series that ripped our hearts out. Then it was time to go and it was only in the car that I realized we never exchanged our names. Wow just wow. I kinda wish I'd kept in contact and known his name but it's too late now. sigh.

In the car I was pretty frickin proud of myself for being desirable but my family would not let me gloat. My cousin learned that he asked me out and laughed the whole way home that someone so ugly would ask me out. My cousin that girls literally fight over, king of sports and general cocky jock perfection.
I told him he was not ugly! He wasn't as cute as the guy I like but he wasn't ugly. I guess I should explain his looks.
Black hair, dark eyes very much like a puppy, cute face. Tall, slimly muscular under baggy nerd-who-stays-at-home-playing clothes. The only thing were his teeth. Obscenely crooked and bucktoothed and generally atrocious and-according to my evil family- laughable.
I got super defensive of him because it's just rude for them to want me to turn him down over teeth. Truthfully after a little whle of Supernatural chatting I didn't even notice them and that was not at all the reason I turned him down.  Frankly i'm not a supermodel and it'd be awful to judge someone for appearance like that. Everyone has a hamartia(fatal flaw) but this isn't one. A really awesome person except for his teeth. Nope. I aint that stupid.

But yeah. LAter on my aunt kinda hinted that she wished I'd been asked out by the black guy who was in the room too. No one can say she's racist at least. A jerk-possibly. And raising a jerk. To be honest I didn't even notice that the black guy was attractive, he was showing no interest in me and I was busy staring at everything except the guy staring at me.  But yeah. It's been 24 hours since then and my mom said she wondered what would've happened if i'd agreed to go out with him and so now my brain is swimming in scenarios ugh!

But regardless of it all I am super happy. I don't get asked out, or complimented or looked at often so having him ask was pretty nice ^_^
I've got a class tomorrow and I've decided to treat myself. As reward for being desireable I will wear my cutest monster pjs to class and all day long whooo! :D

Now its 11pm and I'm going to enjoy Supernatural season 2 with my headphones. I'll be back tomorrow or the next day to tell you all about the books I've read and suggest to others and warn others never to read. Toodles poodles!