*PLEASE NOTE: I really want to make sure no one uses the "all churches are the same- they do this and that and talk like this." I'm so sick of hearing that. If you heard all teenagers, all growns up,all straights,all gays, all sports fans, all otakus, all bookworms, all nerds- are all the same would you get defensive? Yeah? I rest my case. No? I'll get out my book of insults later, you'll be defending your hurt pride by the time i'm done with you. As I was saying- No one is the same. There is no way to put anyone in a category so please don't look at what I say as a Mormon and judge all Mormons on it. I am one person. One flawed person, just like every one of you and every church member :) Moving on----
Hola humans and androids! It's been a long while since I've updated and I apologize(to the empty air I'm speaking to..) but before I recap on the past however long I've been absent, something happened today(yesterday since its 3am here) that pushed so many of my buttons. Actually three things. But mostly one.
Kevin
So every morning I get up at six, get dressed and help mom get ready for work before waiting for my ride to seminary. At seminary there's a lot of things I could talk about- and will- but for now lets talk about Kevin. Kevin is the black sheep. I mean this in he is literally the only black boy in the seminary class and that he has a troubled past, trouble present and is looking at a troubled future. He skips seminary half the time, jokes around and is rude and awful to the teacher one moment and then answering questions and volunteering to pray. he's tried talking to the other kids, I remember he asked "is there ever a time where you just don't want to trust someones word on something?" meaning is there any time that you don't trust that the scriptures are true? And everyone just stared at him like he'd grown a new head. I was the only one that was like ohmygosh yes. Just the other day I was thinking about why I follow our prophets words, why I listen to my bishop and our teachers. I remember growing up laying in bed at night asking mom what if this is the wrong church? And her getting really flustered and being like this one is true and I'd say but what if we die and it turns out we were supposed to be catholic or all this stuff?? Over time I've gained a testimony and I understand how she was so set on believing its true- because it is. but I still question it. And I have to say I think these know it alls who can quote full chapters word for word and quote conference talks- they've been studying, they've done what they were told. They haven't questioned it and come to their own conclusion. They haven't been faced with that question of "but what if its wrong?" And so I'm on Kevin's side. I want to hang out with him more.
Well today was a church dance a few hours away. We all carpooled and in our car it was the driver, her daughter, her daughters friend, me, and kevin. Kevin is cool and I think he really needs someone to let out steam to and to be there for him when the world is crashing down. But the first thing you learn when you hang out with him is that Kevin is a compulsive liar. Guess what. So am I. Just a little less than him. I exaggerate things. Say the snake was 5 foot when it was 3. He says he has all these famous rappers numbers, hangs out with Tony Hawk, has hugged one direction. And the way you know a compulsive liar is if theres no facts behind the story. If they say it then get defensive if you question it- in order to hide that they haven't thought any farther than "oh yeah ive done this and how dare you question me I thought we were friends!"
Kevin did that. Multiple times. About how you can smoke catnip (you most certainly can not. it does absolutely nothing to you, except it tastes good on salad) About Tony hawk. This kid has been in orphanages all his life, he hasn't been to see tony hawk. He's just learned that lies are much better than the reality, learned that you give people what they want- and not many people want a poor orphan black kid's story. So he comes up with new stories. That those dirt cheap bought sunglasses are from whatever expensive store. blah blah blah.
well after the activities, before the dance everyone was expected to provide their own food. some went places some ordered something delivered to the church building. Our group got pizza and went and sat in the classroom. Kevin ran off with some friends and went somewhere. Someone asked where Kevin was and suddenly he's the only topic anyone can come up with. Talking about his family, talking about all the lies he's spewed, he's the butt of EVERY SINGLE JOKE. And I'm literally sitting in a corner thinking are you serious? I ended up walking out with my pizza(I took extra slices so that none of them could get it) and went and ranted to my best friend for the next hour and a half.
Yes, Kevin lies. He sins. He makes mistakes. He's flawed. Whats your bloody point? so are you. So was every single person in that room(20 people ages 6 to 40). Every last one of them has made a mistake and you can bet your buttons they wouldn't want it to be talked about in a classroom. A bunch of the girls in that class were talking about "You remember that time you remember when you did this?" together. I only have a few memories of them, and one is a very hilarious thing someone did- ALSO KNOWN AS- A MISTAKE. So I go "remember when you did that?" and she scowls, says some stuff, and wont talk to me for the next few days. So yeah. bring up a funny little misstep with these same people and they go all silent treatment. But they've got the gall to sit around for hours talking about all these things this boy has done. Yes, his flaws happen to be funny. Yes they happen to end up making hilarious situations when he has to get out of something he said without backing down. It's funny. But so is when she slipped in milk and dropped the cake on her head. So is when she got the answer wrong in class(for once) so is when that GROWN WOMAN asked a man if he was pregnant. but they get defensive. But yet they'll sit there because he's not there and talk about him? Nope. I've tried really hard to get accepted by this group because I can testify that a church where you're the odd one out is as hard if not harder than being the only Mormon in the school. I didn't want to be alone in a room full of people. I've had that so many times. And so I laughed at jokes that weren't remotely funny, kept my own insanity bottled up and didn't say anything sarcastic. I know. Mission impossible. Yup. It hurt. But it was seeing this that made me realize I don't need to impress anyone! And even if I were to try and impress- it would not be trying to impress these people! Me and kevin are going to hang out. I'm going to be mean and rude and sarcastic and say stuff like I volunteer to bury the body and get stared at a WHOLE LOT - and I'm okay with that. I'm gonna hang out with the boys because they're funny and get my jokes and play video games and are cool. I'm gonna get Kevin to open up. I think he needs it as much as I do. He needs to realize what I realized, what I made Lily(best friend) realize. I am me and they can like me or they cant. I'm still going to go to church- I'm not there for the people. I say that a ton to people that say a church person hurt my feelings but its been a while since I could relate to it. I don't need these losers. Me and Kevin can go be awesome all on our own if they cant handle us. They're welcome to join us but I doubt it'll happen. I'll go burp the abcs all on my own.
Another rant involving some of the same people. Specifcally the one who dropped a cake on her head and gave me the silent treatment for mentioning it.
I'm not sure if being raised right is rare and i'm the weird one or if they just never learned to be polite.
I'm not a nice person. I'm mean and awful and rude. But I don't interrupt. Or if I do its because I was talking first and someone cut in and I'm like uh no i'm talking wait your turn.
But these people-- ohmygosh. I'm talking clearly or I'm hoarse because I lost my voice and haven't fully gotten it back. It doesn't matter. these smallminded humans will completely change the topic, or interrupt for another reason or just walk away. Walk away. Without a word. For the boys this is in the middle of a slowdance. For girls its when I'm trying to talk with him and be a nice person. Screw nice. It doesn't look right on me. But yes. All my friends went out to eat, so I didn't know a single soul in the building- except the gossipers that I refused to talk to. I try playing Frisbee in the gym- I am the bomb at Frisbee- no one will throw it to even after seeing my mad skills. They're trying to keep balloons from hitting the floor. Walk away when I'm trying to join in. I go over and start trying to talk to a girl that looked like she was funny and quirky and weird- I found one of my people! or so I thought- I ask her name after a few minutes, she gives it, I tell her my name and she says tahts nice and walks off. These are just a few. But like coming over to talk to me(people in that gossip room) and then right as I start opening up you change the subject to frozen. FROZEN. I hate that word! And not just that! You interrupt my conversation to tell me a story I've heard you declare every time I've seen you since you saw the movie. You interrupt to brag about doing a split. You interrupt to talk about how hard it is to have boobs. How she wishes she was flat- like me. Someone get this girl glasses(THE REALLY UGLY KIND PREFERABLY) because this little churchie is blind as the blind man in the bible. I aint gonna kill you with my enormous rack if I turn too fast- but I am in no way teeny. I usually don't care about this stuff, but it's a bit weird seeing a girl in an A cup saying that to a C cup. And seriously. Is that all you can think of to tell me? How you wish you had my boobs? Says more about who you are inside than anything your little princess perfect mask can put on display. Is there nothing more interesting in your life than splits, frozen and envying someone's boobs? Have fun with that. I'll be over here, staying home six days a week and STILL HAVING MORE OF A LIFE THAN YOU,SWEETPEA. And while I'm on an insult role- that thing you're doing while reciting the Let it go lyrics is not singing. It's more like squeaky gym shoes on a freshly waxed floor. Oh yeah. I went there :)
I just remembered I have to teach the lesson in seminary. Our teacher planned something out but I'm going to call her tomorrow and ask if I can do it on something else. Gossip. Gotta look up quotes about Gossip tomorrow. Wish me luck, nonexistent humans that read this! If you're real(or if you're a ghost) don't be afraid to comment. How mean I am, how cool I am, how you hate my church- hit me with your best shot.
Later peeps!
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