Hey world

So, I'm going through a rough spot. Rough months to be precise. I've done stupid things that are going to haunt me forever, done things with the intention in mind to hurt someone and I did hurt them and now I can never take it back. I've lost trust, I've lost support from friends...I've really screwed up. I feel like I can't do anything right, feel like I'm just going through the motions of living most of the time- without ever truly living. I hate the person I've become and I'm not really sure what to do to make any of this better. I don't know if there's any way to make things better. I'm not going to recap on what all has happened since the last time I posted, because I'd like to forget those things and on the internet is the only place where that's an option.

I can't write. Can't draw. Music- the only thing keeping me going- bores me. I'm cruel and horrible to those closest to me. I'm being completely selfish lately and I don't like it. I don't realize until after I've done it how horrible it is and then I just want to curl up and die.  I've been suicidal again lately. Just these past few weeks actually. It's been so long since I've felt this, I forgot how strong the urge was to just end it all.
I'm not going to do it, I promise you that. It's just a temptation, one I'll never give into. Life is hard right now, and maybe I don't feel like theres anything to live for anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take the easy way out. It's just a thought...a recurring one. Yeah. That's not how I'm going out.

Just typing things out like this works a lot to calm me. It reminds me of all the people with things soooo much worse. People who've lost their closest people, people who are in horrible painful situations. They're alive and so what right have I to think my troubles are worth ending it over?  There's nothing more selfish than taking the final jump, than stepping in front of the train.  I might be a deplorable human being right now who's screwed up... but who hasn't. Everyone screws up, some people fix it and some people don't. I don't know which type I am but I'm going to stick around and at least attempt to fix things. It's out my hands whether people choose to forgive me, but i'll do what I can.




I feel a lot better just letting my fingers create the words I've been holding in. I'll be alright, maybe.